Stepmom considers divorcing her husband because his 13-year-old daughter despises their 4-month-old baby: 'She will scream that he is not her brother'

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Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Nov 21, 2024 3:00 PM EST

Teenagers are known to act out for seemingly irrational reasons. Grown-ups constantly muse over the vacillating emotional state of the average 13-year-old, but they often forget what it was actually like to be 13. Young teens don't act out because they enjoy making their parents miserable but because they themselves are genuinely miserable and don't know how to deal with it. Adults can hide their sadness from their coworkers much easier than teens can from their parents. Not to mention, if you're under 18, you have significantly less control over the trajectory of your life than you do as an adult.

What do you do when a teen's unchecked emotions impact not only their happiness but also the happiness of their entire family? How do you solve a kid's problems they don't want to solve? Can you just throw in the towel on a family? Those questions are incredibly relevant to this recent viral Reddit post.

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    Cheezburger Image 10431390208
    via Hollie Santos

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for considering ending my not terrible marriage because being a stepfamily just isn't working?
    via u/Efficient-Virus767
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    My husband (40m) was a widower when we met. I (36f) was a single woman who had never been married before. My husband has a daughter April (13) from his first wife. April was 5 when her mom di d, 7 when my husband and I met, 8 when she and I met and 11 when we got married. Things with April were okay before I got pregnant. And by okay I mean we weren't very close and she wasn't calling me mom or saying she loved me. But we got along well and she said she had no issues with us getting married. She
    via u/Efficient-Virus767
  • 04
    From that moment on she was hostile to me and very angry and lashed out at me, my husband and anyone who tried to say she was going to be a big sister or described our son as her little brother. We got her into therapy and we did family therapy. April refused to speak. We tried to find a therapist who'd click for us but she wouldn't talk. Then we did find a therapist that made April speak one time and she spoke to say she did not want to work with us or make things better. She would not say why
    via u/Efficient-Virus767
  • 05
    People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she'd fall in love and would go back to how she'd been before. That has not happened and she's aggressively against anything to do with him. She has never held him and we have no family photos of the four of us. It breaks my husbands heart. He has talked to his daughter and disciplined her but it does nothing. She will scream that he is not her brother and she's even against saying half because "he's not my sibling at all". I can't speak
    via u/Efficient-Virus767
  • 06
    But this isn't working and our home no longer feels like a home. It feels like a house on the verge of collapse. I'm not sure I want to stay married and figure this out for another 5 years. I don't see any hope for it to get better and even though my son will still have to be around, maybe having 50% of the time be in a loving home would be better. I'd be happier even though I love my husband. When I confided in a friend she told me I can't give up this fast and I'm not giving it time to get bet
    via u/Efficient-Virus767
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    Head-Emotion-4598 • 19h ago • Edited 19h ago • Info - have you guys tried sending just her and your husband into therapy together? She *might* be more willing to open up if it's just him. At the very least she can just sit and listen to him talk to the therapist. Also, are her maternal grandparents still in the picture? Do you and your partner get along with them? Maybe if April hears from them that they know her mom/their daughter would have been ok with this/wanted her dad to be happy, that mi
    via u/Head-Emotion-4598
  • 08
    seem slim but, hopefully when she gets older, she'll recognize the mistakes she is making. Personally, I wouldn't jump to separation yet, since it's only been a few months. My kids took time to adjusting to each new sibling and there wasn't even any trauma for them to deal with. Kids can get extra touchy with new babies getting all the attention or her seeing people fuss over you. Make sure that her dad takes her out, just the two of them, for fun things as well. But let this new situation (and
    via u/Head-Emotion-4598
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    Oddly Random5520 I also wonder if she ever had therapy to work through losing her mom. 13 is a difficult age, especially for girls. My kids could be challenging at that age without all the baggage OPs step- daughter has.
    via u/Oddly_Random5520
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    Escarlatilla This. OP and husband should be doing therapy to make sure they are understanding how best to navigate this situation and not accidentally adding fuel to the fire.
    via u/Escarlatilla
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    Husband and step-daughter should then also get therapy and see if that helps step-daughter open up. Husband needs to explain it's bc he loves his daughter, etc etc, and move it away from "me and my wife are going to do therapy with you bc you're causing issues". Bc to a kid with hormones who hasn't properly grieved her mother and is feeling like this based on a new stepbrother... jumping straight to therapy with stepmother to "fix things" sounds like it's probably just confirming her internal mo
    via u/Escarlatilla
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    judgingA-holes People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she'd fall in love and would go back to how she'd been before. LMAO. I just came to ask who TF were these delusional people? "Look at him and fall in love".... Really?! That's something you say to a nervous, soon to be parent. They couldn't have had any real experience with this situation.
    via u/judgingA-holes
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    This doesn't It rarely happens that siblings, especially older ones, who want nothing to do with the baby, and are vehemently opposed to it, flip the switch because they see the new kid. They don't see the baby and think awwwww how cute I love them so much, they see the baby and just think this is the drooling, puking, sh monster that's turning my world upside down.
    via u/judgingA-holes
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    Impossible_Media519 Not just that, but she won't be the only little queen bee anymore. My older sister threw me out of the window as a Ibaby, and tried to harm me all throughout my childhood. Be careful.
    via u/Impossible_Media519
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    Unlucky-Captain1431 Yes! My mother couldn't figure out why I was crying all the time. Then she caught my sister pinching me in my crib.
    via u/Unlucky-Captain1431
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    Bird Brain4101112 The same people who tell women that the guy who ghosted as soon as she said the word pregnant that he would show up once the baby was here. The same people who convince women to have babies their partner explicitly doesn't want because he will fall in love as soon as the baby is born. And so on
    via u/Bird_Brain4101112
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    AerwynFlynn Some people are just that delusional about kids and new babies. My SIL was pregnant with her second kid and thought her 6 year old would be the same. I laughed at all of them. This kid had been the only grandkid/kid for 6 years. As someone who is 10 years older than the next sibling I knew it was gonna be a sh show. No matter how many times I tried to tell them that this poor kid was gonna have a hard time they just kept telling me
    via u/AerwynFlynn
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    that they were gonna be best friends and the 6 year old was gonna want to help with the new baby and it was gonna be sunbeams and rainbows. News flash! It was h_I and the 6 year old started having a ton of tantrums. Everyone was shocked, but I just kept saying "I told you so."
    via u/AerwynFlynn
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    NewNameAgainUhg That doesn't work even between full bl d siblings. Jealousy will be always there
    via u/NewNameAgainUhg
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    Intelligent_Sundae_5 No judgement, but I'd be concerned about your son being with her during your husband's custody time with him if you divorce. Just something to consider since she is part of the household. And honestly it sounds as if you would be giving her what she wants, which I don't know if that's a good thing.
    via u/Intelligent_Sundae_5
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    Efficient-Virus767 OP I have concerns there too. But I know he'd keep him safe. But I don't know if living like that all the time is better either.
    via u/Efficient-Virus767
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    III-Professor 7487 My daughter was this way with any man I dated. None could pass her inspection. And to make matters worse, she had just gone into puberty. Much like yours. My father, a salty, down to earth Midwestern guy, came to California to visit for a couple weeks, and observed this situation for a while. His only commentary on it, when leaving, was, "If you let that girl, she is going to run your life."
    via u/III-Professor 7487
  • 23
    Take what you will from that. Puberty has settled on her, and it will be a roller coaster ride for the next few years, whether you live with your husband or not. Some girls take it harder than others. I felt like I barely lived through my own daughters', lol. But she is 53 now, and we laugh about it.
    via u/III-Professor 7487
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    Don't let her run your life mom. She needs to know you are a consistent rock in her life, while hers feels like it's gone crazy, and falling apart. There's a lot of other stuff she's not going to like. Let her work it out, and develop problem solving skills. She'll come thru this. A great grandmother ~
    via u/III-Professor 7487
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    lemmful ⚫19h ago I find that kids are obstinate because they often have little choice/control in a situation. They can't even fully understand, process, or explain their feelings. All they know is they don't like something, so they push against it. As a parent myself, I know it's sometimes impossible to not let my own emotions react to this. Because it s ks, and it affects me and my life, and it feels so unnecessary. But, kids are gonna kid.
    via u/lemmful
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    Teaching your kids that it's not okay to treat people like this is imperative to them forming emotional maturity. When kids have big emotions, they should be taught habits for emotional regulation. She might seem like she's not cracking on the baby-front, but chances are she's processing simultaneously with her individual therapist while things move onward.
    via u/lemmful
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    Ideally, OP and husband should have talked to the daughter about the possibility of having more kids WAY before it ever happened. She is a huge part of their life, and OP/husband were acting like it *wouldn't* affect her. Of course she's going to react. But for now, OP, is it really worth blowing up your life over something temporary? Is the stress of being a new mom compounding with the stress of your step-daughter and you're at a breaking point? Maybe that can be redirected by going hands-off
    via u/lemmful
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    cressidacole 20h ago Edited 16h ago • You were tolerated because she didn't see you as a replacement mother - you were someone to her Dad, pleasant enough, and not overstepping. Now her father has a baby with you. In her mind, you've now created a family unit that erases her mother and downgrades her. Her memories of her mother will be fading, and she probably feels guilty at liking anything to do with you.
    via u/cressidacole
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    Now she's competing with a new baby and a living wife and mother. If your therapists couldn't work that out, you may as well burn the money.
    via u/cressidacole
  • 30
    Danube_Kitty No judgement this time as this is really complicated. But, I recommend to not do any final decision for now. While, for sure, you should make sure your son is safe and that's not possible while living with April. On the other hand, divorce would be punishment for your husband, winning for April AND with 50/50 custody your son won't be safe 50% of time. That doesn't sound like a solution to this situation.
    via u/Danube_Kitty
  • 31
    What I expect, it's a theory ofc, is that 13 year old was somehow fine with you as a company for her dad, but your pregnancy changed this perspective from company to lover...so in her mind your husband is cheating on her mom. That way your son is not a brother but a living proof of it. I recommend to discuss with the therapist how to navigate your husband's communication to April about "I love you and I loved your mom. My heart is big enough so loving OP and our son has changed anything about th
    via u/Danube_Kitty
  • 32
    hurting other ppl is wrong. You don't have to love them, just be decent person to them." And your husband should show his feelings to her. "I love you but I am angry/hurt/dissapointed. No I won't go overboard with things for you when you can't be decent to OP and son". Consider option for you and your son to move close and sending April few times a week to relatives (grandparents, aunts). Those days you will be together with your husband. No need for divorce. April gets the clear message that sh
    via u/Danube_Kitty
  • 33
    Nakniksterzzz Agreed. There seems to be some sort of boundary that needs to be put in place by dad. This is a very awkward time in the daughter's life and clearly isn't handling it well. The baby seemed to have pushed her over the edge. I agree that the daughter should get some time with other close friends and relatives (if possible) so she can still maintain her feeling of being an "only child". Whether that's aunts or uncles or grandparents or god parents. If it starts to make her feel better
    via u/Nakniksterzzz

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family drama stepmother baby sibling rivalry teenagers siblings stepmom moms reddit story widower raising teens dad family sibling reddit thread Reddit mom
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